16
MISSION: Save a Life.
Yesterday I learned of the death of NHL player Rick Rypien. While I am not a fan of sports, I am a fan of people, and when I learned of the possible reason for his death, I was deeply, deeply saddened. Sources are saying that Rick’s death may have been suicide, a result of addiction and depression. I am praying for his family and friends as they grieve this loss. Lots of people were Tweeting about it, re-Tweeting the news, and the topic of mental health and depression were blowing up all over my Twitter feed.
This, to me, was a sign. I needed to be brave and speak up.
As many of you know, I am a staunch advocate of mental health awareness, and I currently serve on the Board of Directors for NAMI Southwestern PA. A very close family member of mine suffers from schizoaffective disorder, which is kind of like a cross between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. In short, it is devastating. Three years ago, my family member overdosed in what appeared to be a suicide attempt. My loved one was on life-support for three days, and there were moments when I wasn’t sure if she’d make it. Thank God, she did make it. And her life has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Recovery. Is. Possible.
I write this post today to bring attention to the seriousness of and the possible devastation caused by mental illness. And to share something deeply personal with all of you.
One weekend a few weeks ago, I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so depressed. In fact, I didn’t want to live.
I spent two solid days seriously considering ending my life.
I suffer from severe depression. I have for many years. A few months ago, I slipped into depression so deep that I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of the other side. This depression is one of the main reasons I stepped away from the Secret Agent L Project. It’s one of the main reasons I stopped showing up on Twitter. It’s one of the main reasons that Vivian (aka Number Two) stepped in. And about a month ago, it all came to a head. I wanted to die.
I, Secret Agent L, wanted to die.
The pain of my depression was so deep that I couldn’t imagine carrying on another day. I didn’t think I could spend another day breathing and living and feeling the pain I was feeling.
Thankfully, my family and a couple of my closest friends stepped in. I talked with my doctor, am taking advantage of resources that will help me, and am taking one day at a time. And now, almost three months after the initial onset of this depressive period and a few weeks after seriously considering ending my life, I can see some light. It’s not blinding, but I can see it. And I feel like I might have the strength to walk towards it a little more each day, even if it’s only one or two steps a day.
The Secret Agent L Project serves not only as a way to encourage people to enact kindness with intention, but I’ve learned through the many emails I receive from people all over the world that the project also serves as a beacon of hope. We are hurting. We are struggling. We feel alone and helpless and hopeless. Many people write to me and share personal stories of their struggles, or the struggles of their loved ones and friends, that center around mental illness.
We cannot stay silent about this any longer.
We cannot accept the stigma. We cannot accept that mental illness means we’re weak, “crazy,” or less-than. We cannot believe that we are alone. Because we are not.
Today, I am asking you to complete a mission. I am asking that you do something today that centers around mental illness awareness. Maybe you’re struggling: please, please reach out for help. Maybe a loved one or friend is struggling: call them, often. Maybe you want to learn more about mental illness: learn more. Maybe you decide to give up buying that Starbucks latte and donate to help those who may not be able right now to help themselves. Maybe you feel like being courageous and leaving a comment on this post about your own experience with mental illness, whether it’s that of yours or a loved one or friend. Don’t know where to turn? Contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They will help you with what you need. I promise.
We must come together on this. We must be there for one another. We must realize that mental illness is a real, legitimate disease. We must fight for more funding, more resources, more awareness, and, most importantly, more compassion.
We must.
I’m not back 100% here, but I will be stepping in when I can and when I feel up to it. I really, really struggled with whether or not to share this deeply personal part of myself with you. But I came to the realization that I cannot be the only one out there struggling with this illness. And so, I reached out. Because I love you. And because I want you and your loved ones and friends to know that you are not alone.
Today I have decided that I’m going to fight for my life. And I hope that you will fight for yours.
79 Comments to “MISSION: Save a Life.”
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Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for allowing me to reach out to you during my own struggles.
I love you. Period.
Words cannot describe.
I love you.
you are NOT alone. Thank you for sharing. I, too, have been deep in it, enough that I now know I will probably be on meds for the rest of my life. Unfortunately for me, my child, and her children – mental illness, specifically depression is in the gene pool. Having a network of love and support is one of the best things I can do for both of us. Glad you have that too. And most likely any person who has been touched directly by your Secret Agent L work or by another agent’s doings should consider themselves to be so lucky as to be part of your community. Best advice I ever got and ever give is – Remember to Breathe. Sometimes it’s all we have. love – Tirzah
Sweet Tirzah,
Thank you for your courage in sharing with us your own story. I do understand the genetic predisposition of mental illness…and it’s scary and sad. BUT, LOVE–yes, LOVE–is one of the best ways to get through it. And breathing–as simple as it sounds.
Thank you for continuing to breathe. You matter.
xoxo,
L.
Laura,
In your honor!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kudos to you for being brave enough to share! And I do think that it is so important for people like you in a position of spreading happiness to others show people that if you can struggle with this…ANYONE can! This happens to what we call “normal” people … EVERYDAY! I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you know that many many many people out there love you… even those of us who have not met you! I will do my part today to help
Love,
Secret Agent T
Lovely Tracy,
Thank you for your kind words! And thank you for choosing to do something today to make mental illness a little less scary, a little less stigma-filled, and a little less hopeless.
Blessings.
xoxo,
L.
Thanks, L. Thanks for sharing this and for sticking it through. You bring light to the world and help heal the broken places. You have created a vehicle for more good to enter the world–may it flow back and fill you. Sending you light and love and thoughts for healing.
Thank you, dear KXM. I appreciate your kind words so, so much.
xoxo,
L.
Laura, I want to give you a great big hug. You have touched so many people’s lives, and you continue to give others hope even as you try to find hope for yourself. It’s odd that you posted this today, as I just spoke to my therapist and scheduled an appointment for the first time in about a year and a half. I think you know that I’ve also had a long, winding road through depression, anxiety, including a period of a few months in which life did not seem worth my effort. But despite my lengthy experience with those issues, I was still surprised (and terrified) by the sudden onset of a panic attack about a month ago. I had never before experienced anxiety at such a level that made me feel I might actually die, that my heart would stop beating, or I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I’m now taking the steps to learn how to deal with the anxiety, to not let it control me. I know that rationally you understand that you’re not alone in your experiences, but I hope that today you will really FEEL it as well. Be well.
Rachal, my sweet-
I want to give you a big hug back! I was JUST thinking of you today, actually. No joke. A song came on my Pandora, and it was the one you use for your voice mail. And I thought, “I MISS THAT GIRL.” And then, here you are.
I love you. I miss you. And I am continually amazed by you. Thank you so much for sharing your story here, for your bravery. I am proud of you for reaching out to your therapist again…to continue healing.
Love you, lady.
xoxo,
L.
I miss you and love you, too. Awww. Pittsburgh, why are you so far from me? Anyway, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one whose life you’ve touched, by these words, and just by being you. I hope in any dark days ahead you come back to these comments and the love that everyone here shares with you. Always remember that you are loved. :-]
Bravo, L. Bravo. Well written, but more importantly, just written. You are brave. Be well.
Thank you, dear Pam. Your kind words mean so much!
xoxo,
L.
As a former Duquesne student- History minor
, I can attest to the fact that you were deeply loved before Secret Agent L was ever born. Whatever barriers have been placed in front of you, I have faith that you hold the ability to move past them all.
You have my sincerest, best wishes.
Bless you, Kurtis. (You Duquesne folk are some of the best, for sure!) Your kind words mean so much, truly.
I can feel the love…I really, really can.
xoxo,
L.
*hugs* laura, for so many reasons i thank you for writing this post. i hope that you continue to improve <3
Sweet Michelle,
Thank you! Hugs back to you!!!
xoxo,
L.
Good.For.You.
I have struggled with both anxiety and depression (much more of the former), and I completely believe you have to — WE have to — talk about it. Dragging these things into the light doesn’t necessarily kill them, but it shows others they are not alone. Sometimes just knowing that saves a person. (I know it’s saved me.)
I also have a family member who has struggled with depression all of her life. I wish I could talk about it more in “public” (i.e. my blog) but it’s not my story to tell.
I send you hugs and hope. I want to do more for you, if I can. A home cooked meal? A night with me and my kids — the noise maybe can make you forget some of darkness? Anything.
Good luck. You are a good person, and I’m glad you were able to come back out.
My Favorite Red-Pen Mama,
THANK YOU for your bravery to share your story with us here…and for being there for those in your life who have their own stories. And thank you for all the kind words you’ve said to me over the past two years we’ve “known” each other. I feel a heart connection to you…always have.
I just might take you up on the offer to come over and hang out with you, the kids, etc. Thank you for opening up your home and heart to me.
xoxo,
L.
Hey, my home isn’t much to look at, but I kinda pride myself that it is ALWAYS open, to everyone. *hugs*
You are so brave. Don’t give up, the world needs wonderful beautiful people like you in it. There are resources available to help those in need. A call to any hotline will result in a caring, non-judgemental person who is there for no other reason than to listen and help. I volunteer at a local Suicide/Crisis hotline and am humbled with every phone call I take, and I can honestly say that the reason I began volunteering is because you have inspired me to be a better person and make the world a little bit better. Thank you…and YOU matter!
Affiliated Agent B-
Thank you for your kind words–for encouraging me to keep continuing to be brave. I’m so blessed to have a loving family, a best friend who is there for me No Matter What, and people like you who just send that love right into my heart, day and night.
Thank you.
xoxo,
L.
Laura – so glad you shared and so very very proud to call you friend. I’m proud of you for reaching out and never forget that you are not alone. Working in the mental health field really opens your eyes to everything that people can go through. I agree with you so wholeheartedly for people to understand that mental health issues can and do affect everyone!
Laura, we’re always here for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know by writing this you have helped someone else. Never give up! We love you.
Kia,
My sweet, sweet Kia. Girl, I LOVE you (and miss you). Thank you (and Tsekani) for always being there…even through long periods of absence. You are always in my heart. Always. Thanks for your text message today and for your deep-down-true-friend and love.
I can’t wait to see you. SOON.
xoxo,
L.
This was one of the most moving posts I’ve ever read. I appreciate your strength and courage. And, am beyond thrilled to know you are on the mend. I have been where you are and remember it vividly. It was in late 2005 and I hit bottom. I was newly divorced, lived alone, struggling financially and in a relationship I hoped would blossom but that only proved to be more hurtful and devastating as the days went on. While I “watched” as my sister and friends lives went on with announcements of new homes, babies and significant milestones, I was quite simply, alone. Only my dog, Shadow, needed me and I had a plan to make sure he was cared for. I had a plan for how I would take my own life and I knew what I would write in my note, even though I didn’t really think people would care or miss me. I was tired. So tired. My exhaustion had become debilitating and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I called off work. Then, I am not sure what made me change my mind but I made a doctor’s appointment and it changed my life. There wasn’t anything special about the visit or him…he was just an ordinary doctor but he was genuinely concerned about me and that made a difference. At least HE wanted me to get better. He prescribed medicine and it slowly began to take effect and I was able to move past that bad place. There was light ahead of me. I began talking to friends and making plans again. They did care and had all along. They just didn’t know how to help me and to be honest, I wasn’t much fun to be around and was quite self absorbed. They were hurt too. We moved forward together and now my life is everything I had hoped it would be. It isn’t perfect and there are some major struggles but I am happily married and have a 2 year old son. I’m close with my family again and my mom and I have had discussions about our shared experiences with depression. At this point, I feel we both are on the right path and should we get off that path, I have some confidence we’ll seek the help we know we need. No one should ever feel alone because people care. They care a lot. I wish you all the best and pray for continued good health for you. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration.
Sweet Holly,
You are SO very brave to share your story with us here…THANK YOU. I long for healing for all of those who suffer from mental illness…oh, how I do! I am so glad that you are in a place now where healing is happening…and that you are not alone and that you REALIZE you are not alone. And God Bless that doctor who changed everything for you–it only takes one person sometimes. I am so proud of you for reaching out. We need you here with us, love.
Blessings of love and kindness to you…
xoxo,
L.
Oh, Laura. You are so *not* alone, but you are *so* loved. You are definitely not crazy OR weak OR less than. You are human, and hitting really rough patches like this is something many of us, myself included, go through. I am so happy that you are beginning to see your light because it is there, waiting. Thank you for not giving up; thank you for fighting.
Many, many, many hugs. As a friend, I love you *so* much and never want to see your smile, your laugh and your gentle heart disappear.
My Sweetest Melissa,
I love you. Seriously. I miss you. Can we remedy this soon?
Your words made my eyes leak.
Thank you, dear sweet friend.
xoxo,
L.
As a person who struggles with (sometimes severe) chronic depression and as a suicide survivor, myself I can tell you it gets better with time. Therapy helps. Lots. So do friends. If you ever want to talk to someone who has been there, fought that, and can relate to the sometimes daily struggle to stay on top of it, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ve never attempted a second time, and would move heaven and earth to prevent anyone from walking down that path.
Thank you for being so brave and so open to share this with everyone.
Dearest Al_b:
I am SO glad you are here. So glad you are a survivor. Thank you for your very candid comment and for sharing such a personal part of yourself with us.
so much love,
laura
Thank you for this post, if only so that we can tell you that we DO CARE about you and you are not alone. Late last year my friends, Dave & Linda Tennies, lost their only son, Jason, 20 years old, most likely to a schizophrenic break. It started on a Monday, and by the next Saturday he was gone. In the months that followed, they began a foundation in his honor to raise awareness of mental health and to raise funds for research. In a four-month period, I was lucky enough to be able to work on the committee to organize a Walk for Mental Health, the first of what will hopefully become an annual event. We had representatives from NAMI, Mental Health America, the Autism Society of America and NARSAD, plus local government involved, and at the end, the foundation was able to send a check for nearly $15,000 to NARSAD – the Brain & Behavior Reasearch Fund. The website for the foundation has many links for information and assistance (www.jasontennies.org) Linda has written a screenplay about her son as well, and it is now in the hands of a producer! It is so important to bring these issues out of the darkness and into the light. The working title is “Break”.
May you continue on your path into the light as well. We are all holding flashlights to help you along the way.
OXO
Sweet Sue,
Thank you for sharing this with us…and thank you for all the kindness you’ve extended to me since we met. I can’t imagine the pain that Jason’s family has endured, but what a gift to turn that tragedy into some healing.
And thank you for offering to hold a flashlight while I make my own way out of the darkness.
love you,
l.
God bless you, Laura…thank you for sharing. I’ve been on my meds for almost three years now, and it’s kinda scary to think about where I’d be without them. With all the good you’d done here and elsewhere, you’re sure to draw much healing love your way…draw on that strength and hang in there, lovely one!
My dearest Susan,
I am so thankful for your comment and for your bravery to share with us that you, too, suffer from this disease.
We’ll get through this together. And we can hold hands, because that always helps.
xoxo,
l.
Love you.
Jen,
I love you, too.
Thank you for your very powerful and loving email… truly.
hugs times a bazillion,
l.
Bug hugs and high fives to you, Laura. We all have our demons. Mine have been infertility, depression and anxiety. I’ve fought them all, still fight some. I beat infertility (2 beautiful kids), kicked depression’s butt (after therapy and a lot of support) and still fight with anxiety on a day-to-day basis. Occasionally depression tries to make a come-back, and each time I fight it tooth and nail – and you have to fight it, it’s not something that you can ignore and will go away. You have to put on your gloves, pull up your boot straps, and fight it. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
I remember sitting in my doctor’s office after my husband dragged me to get help (because I’m the person who helps other people, not the one who needs help) when my son was 1. She asked me if I ever thought about suicide, and I answered Yes, but noted that it wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted to rest, and at times it seemed like the best option (again, asking for help is something that was very hard for me). I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. However, I didn’t want my son to grow up without his mother, so I soldiered on. And I got help, which is key.
I also remember, after my daughter was born (something about those hormones kicks up all of that depression and anxiety) we went for a walk around the neighborhood. I became convinced that someone was going to come by and kidnap us. It was a complete fabrication and I was fortunate at the time to realize that it was completely unrealistic.
So, my message to you, and others, is to get help and know that people care. It does get better. I wish it were easy, but if you put the work in, you can get there.
You are so brave for sharing this. Thank you for all you do through SAL and just by being you. Take care of yourself and get better, because the world is simply a better place with you in it.
Lovely Dana,
YOU are courageous. I am so honored that you’ve shared your story here. THANK YOU. And I am thrilled that you continue to fight–for yourself and for your children. Depression and anxiety are real, and they can devastate, but if we reach out and fight, we can and will beat it (or at least show it who’s boss).
proud of you,
l.
I’m pretty sure this a true story:
There was a husband and wife that were both fighting depression. They saw in a lady they barely knew something that reminded them of their own pain. So the husband and wife dropped off Hershey’s kisses on Christmas Eve to help make the pain a little less for the lady. For a little while, maybe the husband and the wife and the lady felt a little better knowing there were good things in the world.
Or so I’m told.
Rob,
That IS a true story.
Because I was there.
You and your wife? Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re two of my favorite people. Your kindness means the world to me.
THANK YOU.
xoxo,
l.
I am sending you HUGE internet hugs. I, too, have struggled with depression on and off for years. A few years ago I went through postpartum depression after my son was born. I know how hard it is to admit to yourself, your family, your friends just how far you have slipped away. It’s like being in a deep, dark, lonely hole you can’t get out of. I am SO glad that you’ve sought help and that you are taking it one day at a time. You are so brave to share your struggle with the world. I am local to Pgh so if you ever want to do a community event of some kind that would raise awareness about depression, I’m in.
Take care of yourself, Lori
Lovely Lori,
You’re brave, too–thank you for sharing your own struggles here. And you’re right: it IS so hard to admit to people that you’re going through this, that you’ve fallen down what feels like a black hole of hopelessness and that you’ll never ever have the strength to climb back out.
I’d love to get together to do some sort of mental health awareness thing. Email me.
xoxo,
L.
Laura,
I saw you speak in early April and it’s very difficult for me to reconcile the personality I saw there to what you have subsequently dealt with…and that just goes to show that you just never know what another person has going on in their life. All the more important to “Be Kind. No Exceptions.”
I hope you continue to realize your special contributions to this world and your important place in it.
God Bless,
Jenny
Oh, my Jenny!
Your comment? I want to hug you. YES. YES, YES, YES. That’s exactly why I say to “Be Kind. No Exceptions.” We never, EVER know what people are carrying around deep within. We have to be tender and gentle. We simply must.
Thank you for reminding me of that.
Love to you,
L.
Thank you for being you. You have a light in you that shines so brightly. It is stronger than the depression is. You are amazing for so many reasons, and the fact that you have been privately fighting this battle, while publickly trying to brighten the world is at the top of the list.
Lisa, my sweet–
Your comment…my eyes are leaking.
THANK YOU. Truly. I am so touched by your kind words.
xoxo,
L.
until you revealed your true identity, i always thought the “l” in secret agent l stood for “love.”
now i know it’s true.
praying for you and hoping for the best.
xoxo
Rose,
Oh, sweet friend…
I’m absolutely speechless…
THANK YOU.
xoxo,
L.
Dear Laura
No words can express how powerful your posting is — we are not alone.
You have opened the door for so many people with the SAL project. You now have opened the door for all of us to come together and support each other, no matter what is going on in our “outside/inside” lives.
Thank you for sharing — and I am personally making a choice today to reach out to someone who is troubled — there are many to choose from.
Here’s XOXO for you and for you to pass on to those around you.
You make a beautiful difference in the world and for that we all (ALL) thank you!
Love to you!
Bonnie
My Sweet, Sweet Bonnie-
Thank you. Your words mean so much to me! Yes, we are not alone. I want nothing more than to reach out and scoop up every person who is hurting, hold them, hug them, love them, and let them know that we can get through this. I simply want to love.
I am so honored that the SAL Project has become a beacon of hope for people. And I want to continue to honor all of those who are courageous every single day in their effort to just keep breathing…
xoxo,
L.
Laura,
Cheers, kudos, and (most importantly) hugs to you — both for what you are going through personally as well as for the amazing work you do here at the Secret Agent L project.
My father is bipolar and manic-depressive. He is also a recovering alcoholic. Growing up, I never knew exactly which dad I came home to, but my love for my father never faded. Not when he was drunk, suicidal, or in therapy. Not when he worked so hard to recover, once in a while slipping, stumbling, or outright failing — and starting again. Not even last week when health issues gripped him and we thought we might lose him. Praise God, he is still with us, and he is now healthy both mentally and physically.
Also, last week, I went to a “celebration of life” gathering for an old friend from high school who recently took his own life, leaving behind a young daughter, loving girlfriend, twin sister, grieving mother, and many many friends who cared deeply for him. Many of us hadn’t kept up with him over the years and had no idea how badly he was hurting. If only he had had the strength to reach out to his loved ones…
These issues touch all of us, even if we don’t know it.
You are amazing for having the strength to share your own story.
I have had a few “missions” planned out and ready to go for months now — I think tonight is the perfect evening to spread a little joy and happiness throughout the world.
EvaNadine,
Thank you, friend, for such a candid and personal comment…and I am so glad to hear that your father is still with you. I understand not knowing what you’d come home to with your father’s illness…that resonates so deeply with my own life.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend from high school, but what a beautiful way to honor his memory by holding a “celebration of life.” That brings tears to my eyes. I will keep you and his family and friends in my thoughts and prayers…
And I look forward to the missions you’ll be doing soon. THANK YOU.
xoxo,
L.
I have met you at podcamp-a fellow tall girl (it is so rare I meet woman taller than me and you and TallCathy made me feel short-a good thing)…and you are such a wonderful person-both in your writing, Secret Agent L and IRL. I have been following you “with love” for awhile and have worried about you.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
I agree. It is time for us to step forward and unlock the silence-on so many things, including depression. That is the main reason I posted a blog about my own personal and devastating hell story of infertility and loss in January.
Keep looking for that light. We are all here shining it for you.
Lisa-
You lovely lady, you. Thank you for your kind, kind words. I am truly touched. It’s amazing how attached we become to people we hardly know, and that the attachment comes simply from knowing that someone is hurting. My heart swells to know that you have been worried about me…
Yes, we must unlock the silence. We must. We must be braver than we ever imagined. And we must show compassion to all we meet, because we never know just what they may be carrying.
xoxo,
L.
Good for you for seeking help from friends and the medical community. And for posting this. I know how hard it was for you to expose this part of yourself. I wish you well. Be strong. You have it in you.
Sweet Claire,
Thank you. Oh, thank you. You have always shown such kindness and support and friendship to me (remember the CNN interview night?! YIKES!). I appreciate that more than you know.
I miss your face. I hope I can see it soon.
Love you,
Laura
i love your bravery your honesty your mission your soul. you are are a star far to bright to burn out. take good care cause this cracked world needs you!
Jenn,
Thank you, friend! I’m going to start healing the cracks–mine AND the world’s!
xoxo,
L.
[...] Go here. [...]
<3<3<3 for this post. That is all.
asplenia-
so many <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 right back atcha.
xoxo,
L.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I suffer from depression and have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am a suicide survivor.
There were many dark days where I just needed some small spark of hope that there was good in the world, that people actually cared about other people, that kindness mattered, even if I didn’t have it in my own life.
When I found your website, I found that spark. It made me feel better about the world, even when I no longer wanted to be a part of it. When I felt my worst, I gathered inspiration from the missions and did my own missions. By golly, I might not have been able to left myself up, but I sure could lift someone else.
So, if you ever doubt for a second that you mattered, or that you made a difference, or that you are loved, this is proof that you DO, you, DID, and you ARE.
I’m sorry that you are suffering, but I appreciate that you were brave enough to seek help, and to share your story with us.
And to everyone else who is reading this, who shared thier own story, we are all together in this. There are people who understand. We aren’t crazy. We are loveable. We do matter. Just because we are struggling int he dark, we still have light in our souls. Let it shine.
Thank you for being so open and honest – truly. Every day I struggle with the wants to just stay in bed and do nothing. However, the fact that my three kids have needs has so far proven loud enough of a voice to keep me going. Over ten years ago that wasn’t the case. My last year of high school I was diagnosed with a condition similar to bi-polar. Not many know that.
Even less know that I missed much of my high school senior year because I just just couldn’t take the pressure to fit in. To be everyones perfect. To make everyone happy. Not knowing where I was going. Never reaching what I thought was my best. The whole world is on my shoulders deal – so the way out for me was a bottle of pills.
I then spent time in therapy which unlocked a whole heap of memories like childhood abuse and the fact that I have trichotillomania. I hated therapy but what I hated even worse was the fact that I had to call or ‘page’ my mother every 30-minutes at her work or she was going to call an ambulance.
As a mother now I think about the pain that I put her through. I couldn’t imagine one of my boys doing that to me. Suicide is a very selfish act and I am not a selfish person.
One memory that sticks to me like glue is my mom made me tell my sister. So in our little Robin egg blue car I pulled over to the side of the road and told her that I wouldn’t be going to school for a little while and why. After crying and telling me how selfish of me that was and that did I ever stop to think about everyone I was leaving behind we had a quiet moment. An unlikely song happened to come on the radio “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys. In that moment my sister and I made a pact that neither of us would die until we had BOTH been to every place mentioned in the song.
If you have ever seen the comedy “What Women Want” with Mel Gibson there is a part where he can hear the thoughts of one of the runner girls. She basically runs the mail and does all the projects at the office. She thinks in her head how no one notices her and if anyone would even notice if she was gone.
I think if instead of stopping to smell the roses an instead every day slow downed to give a millisecond of a smile to every person we pass it could make a huge difference in their day and who knows even make their week. That’s the worst thing ever to feel like you don’t exist and you mean nothing.
(You my dear mean a lot to so many people. You have inspired so many to step out of their own comfort zones and do good things for strangers – strangers that may be having one of their worst days of their lives a day that was super dark and may have even been their last but there on their car window, dryer, bookshelf, who knows but there is a little gift that lets them know they are special)
Rock on girl! Rock on!
I am sitting here absolutely stunned – I remember your wonderful presentation at PCPGH and how you were often surrounded by a gaggle of people. I never would have guessed that you have faced the same thing that nearly shattered me (a long-term bout of PPD that also left a parting gift) nearly a decade ago. No, you aren’t alone and you don’t know me but you need to know that you are precious. Thank you for this personal story and thank you to all who commented with their own – I had no idea so many bright, funny successful people struggle with this.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Laura,
May I reprint this article in our church newsletter? I wonder if someone might need to see it.
Dear Laura,
How courageous of you to bare your soul as you did. I’m not sure “Bravo!” is the most appropriate response, and if you saw a couple of my tweets from later on Tuesday, you know that I’m having an unpleasant time of it myself. I somewhat want to commiserate, but that’s not really appropriate, either. I’m sure my pain nowhere compares with yours.
No, I think I more want to say: Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for staying here and telling us about it. Thank you for revealing your pain, that we all may see that someone who looks (the last we knew) like she’s doing well is in fact not doing very well at all. Thank you for giving us something to identify with, and for being a role model for conquering the gremlins.
I should be suicidal. In fact, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. But when I’ve had those George-Bailey-on-the-bridge moments, somehow I came around to the understanding that I need to be there for too many people. So I stay. Yet I’m miserable, and struggle to get, and stay, out of bed each day, just as you said. I, however, have noplace to go each day. Nine-plus months out of work, in a tiny niche of the I.T. field, rapidly becoming dated by technological advances. I.T. is a young man’s game, and I’m not young anymore. I’d tell you more, but I think it’s better I stop, lest I talk myself into the funk I’ve so far managed – and you have managed – to avoid.
One distinction is worth pointing out to your wider audience. While some people have health insurance that might cover the sort of help that those at risk are in need of, a large number of people do not. When next I have $, I am donating (again) to NAMI, in hopes they can help the people with issues serious enough that their lives are in danger and who have no way to get that help.
You have helped a lot of people in a lot of ways, Laura, and we’re all counting on you to keep that going. Lastly, while I cannot right now help NAMI financially, I can still help. If you get really stuck again, I can listen.
Love & donuts,
Stu
P.S. I showed my wife your post. We were going to go to Kennywood but I relinquished my ticket so she could instead take a friend who she’s worried about. Worried as in there’s a couple people checking on her fairly often.
you are a brave girl and i love you.
[...] that time I was a brave secret agent {um, yesterday} and told even more of the world about my struggle with depression? And remember that time all these amazing, beautiful people left comments about [...]
Dear Miss L,
I missed this post the other day, but I still felt I needed to comment a day or so late.
I don’t know you very well, I’ve never met you in person, but I found your project last year and completed a mission. Many times I’ve wanted to do another one, and I’ve had plenty of ideas, but I’ve never quite gotten it together. I started following you on Twitter around that time and I did notice a different tone to your posts from around that three-month-ago mark you mentioned in this post. Part of me felt that I should say something comforting at the time, but I thought it might be odd for a person you didn’t know to come out of the Internet Ether and talk to you as if I knew you and tell you that I noticed how awesome you were and how I wished you weren’t feeling blue.
I apologize that I didn’t step up and do you the simple kindness of just saying hi. On one hand, seeing you talk about your darkness in this post, I think it might not have meant anything… but on the other, I can see how that random message might mean the world.
At least now, in retrospect, I can tell you: I think you’re awesome. I think it would be awesome to be your friend. To just hang out and talk about being nice to people and about being a Pittsburgher and about being a girl who happens to be tall! You’re not alone – even random people on the Internet care about you!
I could offer sympathy that I, too, have felt down, but I won’t belittle your struggle by claiming to know how you feel. So I simply wanted to say THANK YOU for being brave and posting this. Thank you for being brave and making the choice to live! You are a beautiful person and I think the world is better with you in it. Please continue being brave and beautiful every day
Wow. I read about you in Readers Digest (March issue?). Today, I finally came to your site and see that you – an example for all of us to make others smile – fight depression. I see it as ironic. Especially as I was “down” tonight because I had done nothing around house. I hate that you have to fight this disease but am proud you are strong enough to get the help you need and to stand and overcome it all. You go girl!
[...] If you read anything this week, make it Secret Agent L’s post on Mission: Save A Life. [...]
Thank you so much, Secret Agent L, for fighting for you. We love you, and our city is so lucky to have this beautiful lady (YOU) grace us with your love back. ::hugs::
Secret Agent L
thank you for sharing your story, You are very brave. My prayers are with you that each day finds you stronger. You’ve encouraged all of us to reach out to others around us.
Words cannot express…thank you for sharing! My husband has been dealing with depression and it’s hard. Really. Really. Hard. I worry all the time that he will decide that it is too much and that he can’t take it anymore. I admire you for your strength and courage and you are SO appreciated and loved. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this post. And thank you for doing what you are doing.
I stumbled upon your blog today of all days, and was greeted with today’s post about promoting mental wellbeing which lead me to this one. I came here today because my own husband has recently plummeted into the deep depths of depression, and in my frustration and helplessness I thought I would find light reading about your acts of kindness to people. I found that, but also something much better, which is the confirmation that people get through this. That help is available, and that most probably my efforts to help my husband — even when he sees nothing but darkness around him — are not futile.
I will continue reading your blog and go back to learn about this project of yours, which i think is remarkable — i would love to start doing the same here in my home town.
I glad you have a lot of support around. I wish you strength for recovery. I hope my husband finds the strength to reach out and start fighting back as well.
Dearest Secret Agent L,
Your post resonated with me so much…. I’d never guess you (Agent of Awesomeness that you ARE!) would be struggling as well. ((HUG)) I remember finding your site (maybe a year ago?) and thought, “Wow, this site is AWESOME and cute! Why didn’t I think of this awesomeness?! Secret Agent L is freakin’ brilliant!”
Fo’ shizzle. You rock.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. You are so loved. ❤
With love,
Lisa
P.S. Want to be friends? Please feel free to email me! xo
i read this post and could not stop crying….ive felt so alone for so long , struggling with things that are much bigger than me….you are all so brave, i dont know how you do it….i feel so lost sometimes….
there are times i think its just a bad day but then it turns into two and pretty soon its a week and maybe thats normal or maybe its something else, i just know something is missing and i dont know now to fix it or how to even name it….